Every relationship has ups and downs, but ours will have more than most. It's not because we aren't perfect for each other; it's because there is more than just the two of us in this relationship. I've brought along my depression and anxiety.
I know any relationship is hard enough without them, but we're an inseparable trio. You see, we're not joined at the hip but in the mind, and as hard as I'll try they will never fully go away. So, I need you to do something for me...
I need you to love me through it.
We'll be fine, just the two of us working through normal relationship problems. We'll be happy and love each other. We'll go on with our lives not realizing that they're waiting to join us when we least expect them.
And then one day when we're perfectly happy, my depression will come back into our lives. It will be like that unwelcome family member that visits occasionally and makes you miserable for however long they stay.
I'll pretend to be happy for as long as I can to spare you from seeing that side of me. I'll put on a fake smile that I perfected a long time ago and mimic my normal behavior so no one notices anything has changed. But if you pay attention you'll catch it, or maybe you'll catch me crying for absolutely no reason, and you'll know it's back.
Then my anxiety will decide that it's time to crash the party. It will bring along with it all of my insecurities, even the ones I’d considered dead and buried. You'll begin to learn how truly damaged my past has left me. You'll meet the part of me that I've tried so hard to forget.
Please, please, keep loving me through it.
I won't believe it anymore when you look at me like I'm your world. I won't believe it when you tell me that you love me. I won't believe it anymore when you tell me how excited you are for our future.
I'll begin to doubt everything you say. I need you to know that this won't be because I doubt you. I'll be doubting myself and my own worth. I won't believe you because I won't believe in myself.
Believe me, I know that this will sometimes be frustrating to deal with. You need to know that I try my best every day to silence these two. As frustrating as it can feel to you, it is 100 times worse for me, because I know how my behavior might push you away.
I don’t ever want to push you away.
If you really care for me, you'll let me work through it and stand by my side. It may hurt to watch me become a shell of myself for a while but if you think I'm worth it, I'm asking you to stay. I'm asking you to wait for the woman you love to come back to you.
Because she will, I promise.
I know I'm asking for a lot. I know it'll be hard and some days will come where I will be pushing you away with all of my strength. So, if it gets to be too much I understand, but if I'm worth it to you...
Love me through it. And know that, even though at times I won't be able to express it, I'll be loving you too. It'll be difficult, but I think that if we love each other enough we can conquer this together.
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