I know what you see from the outside. I’ve perfected the look that you see. I’ve gotten really good at everything from the way I talk to people to the smile I wear on my face.
And while sometimes it is real, occasionally it’s not. I’m not always happy or a ray of sunshine. I have some dark days and if you choose to be involved in my life, then I need to know that you’ll be there for me during those times too.
I’ve gone through a lot in my life. I’ve experienced more pain and loss than most people do their entire lives. That’s what has made me this way.
And if you are brave enough to face that then I should warn you of some things.
It’s not always going to be pretty with me around. It’s not always going to be easy having me in your life.
I don’t trust people easily. I’ve been hurt by some of the people closest to me and that’s not something that ever goes away. Unfortunately, that’s something that they’ve left behind for others to deal with.
I have a wall as big as the Great Wall of China. It’s tough to get over and once you get pushed back out, it’s near impossible to return.
I overthink everything that is said and done. I told myself for the longest time that I could’ve seen these past pains ahead of time if I’d just watched for the warning signs. So, now I watch for them in everyone I come across.
I hesitate to believe in anything good. I believe in love and good in the world. But when it’s directed at me, I have to think twice.
I hardly ever think I’m good enough. I’ve been told so many times that I would never be good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough. I was left by people that were supposed to care and love me.
It’s been ingrained in me that I will never be enough. I have demons that no one can see. I have scars that I will never talk about. I have bruises that have still not healed.
I’m a wreck that puts a pretty smile on her face and faces the world each day hoping that the past just disappears. And just when I think everything is okay, something will bring me down again.
I can’t imagine anyone would ever want to be a part of that.
But if you decide that you are brave enough to face all of this, then know that when I love, I love with all of my heart. When I care for someone, I care for someone completely. When I’m a friend, I’m a friend for the rest of your life.
With me you will always have someone on your side. You will always have a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to you, and a hand to help you up if you fall. It’s those demons that make me such a good friend.
It’s because I know pain, that I wouldn’t dream of hurting you. It’s because I’ve been left, that I would never leave you. It’s because I’ve felt worthless, that I would make sure you never feel that way.
So while my demons will always be there in the background… My heart is too big to let them take over.
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